I’ve discovered one great thing in life is that we can always rediscover ourselves. Even though change scares the shit out of me, I can always start over new.
Here’s my story:
When I was 24-years-old I decided to leave everything I knew in Oregon and move to Florida. I needed to get away. I had no goals in life, I was depressed, I hung around a bad crowd, I was binge drinking way to much and thought that if I moved to Florida I could rekindle my on-and-off-again relationship.
The only time I had ever been to Florida was to visit my ex who lives in Cocoa Beach. Cocoa Beach was a great town to visit. It was small enough that it was never too crowded, had hardly any traffic and was right on the beach.
So…when my friend (at the time) told me he wanted to move to Florida, I was right on it and decided to move with him. Except, where he wanted to go was Tampa, not Cocoa Beach. I researched, and the commute from Tampa to Cocoa Beach was only about a 2-3 hour drive, it was pretty darn close. I thought it would be perfect in case it didn’t work out between me and my ex.
So I sold and packed up all my belongings in my tiny Mazda 2 and drove across the country to Florida. I had no job lined up, and only had saved what little money I had made off of my belongings. I was now in Clearwater and the traffic was awful, the streets where ginormous, each town ran together and I had a panic attack every time I had to drive anywhere. My ex never visited me and would always tell me pretty horrible things about myself that I believed.
I spent almost 2 months not knowing how I was going to make it out there with no income, family/friends, crying everyday and feeling 10X more depressed. I then got offered a job as an administrative assistant. The pay wasn’t much but I was promised a raise if I did a good job. Well I worked my ass off and made it happen. I began to make friends at work but ended up losing the friend that I moved down there with.
Now, if you have never moved away from your home, you would never know how truly hard it is to make new friends as an adult. I truly felt alone, my significant other lived 2-3 hours away (and remember treated me like crap) and I had lost my only friend. The friends of his that seemed to be my friends, stopped talking to me. People at work were always too busy and had family and friends of their own. So it was me, only me and holidays were always the worst when you would see all your family getting together without you and you are all alone in your house with nothing to do.
It wasn’t until I got into nursing school that I really met some great friends. Yeah, we didn’t have a lot of time to hang out because we all worked full-time during the day and went to school all night, but we were there for each other. Then after about 18-months of school we graduated and no one talked anymore and we stopped seeing each other. Except for one. And I’m soooo grateful for her.
I ended up getting a nursing job and quitting my office job. I was working night shift and could no longer commute to Cocoa Beach to see my significant other due to being a real life zombie. He started commuting down but always would nag at me about how I never liked anything he wanted to do, which mostly consisted of clubbing and drinking.
Then, one day when he was visiting, we went into the humane society just to “look.” We ended up leaving with a kitten named Olivia. She was very sick with an upper respiratory infection for almost 3 weeks. I started focusing my attention to her and not my significant other and realized life is much bigger than what I thought it was. I ended up breaking up with him because I now knew my worth and knew I deserved better. I moved back home to Oregon to be with my family. Again, I packed up all my belongings I had accumulated after 3 years and threw most of it away. Got into my little Mazda 2 and drove back across the country with my cat and sister.
Let’s make it clear: I do not regret moving to Florida. I ended up finding my self worth, and found a career that I truely enjoy. I did however need a new beginning, this is why I moved back to Oregon.
This is my second chance to starting a new life. I came back and most of my friends have a family now or still party every night or are addicted to drugs. It saddens me but I know in order to meet my goals I cannot be around those toxic people who will just use me. I cannot fix them. So I get called names like “prude” and “bitch” etc. But what you guys don’t know is that I am sensitive, loving and supportive. But instead of putting all my energy into others, like I have my whole life, I have started putting energy into myself.
So, here I am. Living at my Mom’s house, almost 30-years-old, working part-time, going to nursing school and still trying to fit in. I’m still alone. I have no significant other, I am not even sure if I want one at this point. But I do have my family.
I was blessed with many anxieties from my awesome genetics and have found that I have closed myself off from the world. I found that I would rather stay home than be involved with anything, which is easy to do when you live about 30 mins away from town.
So each day I am trying to say yes to every opportunity and try to meet new people and enjoy new experiences. This past year has been a long year of trying to really rediscover myself. I asked myself questions like: Who am I? What do I enjoy doing? And the sad thing is, is that I really had no clue. I had no idea what I enjoyed doing anymore. So I continue to rediscover myself by trying to be open to try new things and meet new people.
Just remember that everyone is a real person, has real feelings and has their own story. XOXO
Question of the day: What do you like to do for fun?