My entire life I have been the biggest girl in the group. I have always been ashamed of my body and led to believe that I should hide my imperfections. As an overweight person I was told to be modest and “cover up.” I hated my body. I limited myself on what I could do and what I could wear based on my weight. I have always envied women who were skinny and could wear bikinis, when I couldn’t even feel good in shorts and a tank top.
For many years, summertime scared me. I dreaded having to wear pants and t-shirts in the heat. I wouldn’t be caught dead wearing shorts and risk someone seeing my cellulite or fat knees. These limitations I put on myself advanced further into other aspects of my life, like what I couldn’t do as a fat person. There’s no way I could go kayaking, ride a bike, go hiking, do yoga, etc. My anxieties and doubt led me to depression and seclusion. On top of that, I was in a terrible relationship, which made my confidence even lower.
Two years ago this month, I left that relationship. I acknowledged my depression and I decided to work on myself. I decided to make an effort to love myself no matter what size I was, because life is too short. Fast forward to two years later, and I have made quite the progress. However, I still have a long way to go. Within the last year I have felt my self love journey slowing down, due to anxiety and stress, between being in nursing school and working as a hospice nurse. I have been creating YouTube videos recently, and thought of an idea to bring new content to my channel. I decided to start of series of things I have told myself I couldn’t do because I was fat.
So yesterday, I put on my bikini and decided to take a trip to Yellowbottom Recreational site just outside of Sweet Home, OR. I documented the trip and created a lookbook featuring me in a bikini. It took everything I had to post this video on YouTube, because what if someone is mean to me? My body is far from perfect, but you know what? I had a great time with my sister and enjoyed being outside in the sun. I played in the water and just relaxed. It was beautiful, and I am beautiful. There is no reason anyone should have to hide in their skin. I’m sure I’m not the only one out there who puts limitations on themselves and puts themselves down, no matter what size you are. I hope this can inspire you. Don’t forget to subscribe to my YouTube channel and follow my blog so you don’t miss out!